Monday, April 19, 2010

"Peace out"..... only to find peace in...

I've left quite a few times. It was first Chicago when I was 19. Only to become a Beauty School Drop-Out. Only to discover that loneliness is the most empty, scary, overwhelming feeling I have ever experienced. I rarely talk about my time in Chicago. Two reasons: 1) It was so long ago. 2) It was excruciating.

Upon my arrival back home after the 6 months in Chicago, I vowed to never leave again. School and work got the best of me. As did women. I kinda forgot who I was and what the hell I was doing back in St. Louis. Then my heart was ripped out, stomped on and left to heal allll on its own. So I decided it was time to leave again.

It was almost as though St. Louis was forcing me away. Or was it? So many nasty things took place. My immature heart and mind thought the only way to heal from it all was to Peace Out. A part of me thinks it was the stupidest thing. The other part of me is grateful. I am who I am because I left. I learned to be who I am because I left.

But I will say, it was silly to leave the negativity. I should've went to find the positivity. I was so focused on the negative, I couldn't even imagine anything positive in the future. I just wanted to forget everything prior. Boy did I NOT. Everything I did reminded me of what was. Everyone I met was compared to who I used to know. Every place I went felt like I'd been there before. But I'd never done those things before, met those people before, been to those places. I was just so obsessed over everything that was. Past past past past past. All my mind thought about.

Future future future future. Didn't even cross my mind.

It's a horrible feeling. Dwelling on the past. Wondering what could've been done differently. It took me a long time to look at things in the perspective that, "Evertything is going to be alright." I discovered that all on my own.

I realized that nasty people are everywhere. Debt can get worse (especially in Manhattan!). Family is still family and they will always be where you left them.

So, if you want to "get the hell out of here," DO IT! I encourage it! But think about why you are leaving. Think about what makes you feel so strongly to want to leave in the first place. Is it to leave or to go? Did you see a movie that was filmed in Seattle and think, "what a beautiful city, I want to live there." Or did you have a bad day and think, "It sucks here. I hate everyone. I'm going to get the hell out of this god-forsaken place." Go with the first thought. The second thought it just toxic.

I never thought I'd ever move back home. I cursed this place for the longest time, I made it appear to be the devil's rock. But I grew up. I look at the positive. I look to the future and quit looking at the horrible negative past.

I'm home and I couldn't be happier about it.

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