Long December

"It's been a long December. And there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last."

I survived this year. The whole cliche' "if you can get through this, you can get through anything." Or how about the ever so popular, "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger."

I suppose cliche's fit my life in 2009.

Fuck 2009. Flush it away. Say goodbye to the worst year of my life. We lost grandma and we lost our first baby. I know this was the worst year of my life because after finally understanding myself, I didn't recognize myself this year. I became someone I just did not recognize. I thought I had myself figured out. I suppose the chaos, the drama, the sorrow of 2009 turned me into a stranger.

So, here's to next year. Trying again at a family. Saying more hello's than goodbye's. Not having to shutter away from certain topics. Being able to laugh and really mean it.

Obsessed

I wish I knew when my obsession with my hair began. Perhaps when I started to actually have cute hair. Like when I had the faux hawk when I lived in Brooklyn?



Yea. Let's say the obsession started there. When my self esteem was beginning to actually be positive. When positive attention regarding my looks and style began to shower me. When I, for once, knew and understand who I truely was.

Then I moved to Florida. I was the new girl in town and my hair got plenty of attention. People would come up to me asking to cut my hair for free just to say they cut my hair.



After having short hair for most of my life, I decided to try and grow it out. It got to my chin and I'd wack it off. But finally, I was given a wonderful "growing out haircut."



And that was the last time I had my haircut for about a year. I tried to have a haircut once. My hair was about to my shoulders and I told the girl to give me a bob. She refused to cut it. At the time I was so offended and pissed. But now, I look back on it and I am so thankful. My hair just grew and grew and grew. I refused to let anyone touch it. Not to cut it, not to color it. My over-protectiveness became an obsession. I survived all 9 months of beauty school without one single person touching. Except a small bang trim. I began to let my hair just hang out. I started wearing it curly but it drove me nuts. So, I just flat ironed it once a week (washed it about once a week.)

Let me just fill you in on the chaos that is my hair. It's a rats nest. It's nappy. It's course, it's dry, it's curly, it's just a mess. So during my growing out phase, I put up with A LOT! Another reason why I am so psycho over protective of it. I finally decided to let someone cut it. Told her just a trim. My hair was this before:



It was then wacked into this:



I cried for weeks. It took almost a year for it to finally grow back and for me to finally trust anyone to touch it again. It was dreadful. But it finally recovered. I am now able to wear it curly. It is almost to my butt. It is amazing. I cut it like every six months. I never wear it straight. People don't believe me when I tell them it's my real hair.

So why do i freak out whenever I get it cut? I had it cut last week and I'm freaking out. Maybe 1/4 of an inch was taken off the length but she took out a lot of weight. I'm freaking out. I'm pathetic, i know....



I guess it's a good thing I'm a hair stylist

Portulaca

The house is on day one of chaos. Well, i suppose it's always been in chaos since we moved in. As most know, the previous tenants were my grandparents. Contrary to what the neighbors say, we're a bit louder. But, nonetheless, the house is undergoing a remodel. We've been here almost 3 years (is it 3 years? time got the best of me) and everything has pretty much remained the same. I suppose I've had quite an attachment to the way it was left. I have memories of being a child here. Part of me, wants it to stay exactly the same.

But I'm an adult now. Knocking on 30's door. I'm married and hoping to try again at starting a family. There's no need to hold on to the way things were here.

I used to bake cookies with grandma in this tiny little kitchen. The holly ones. You know, the ones with the green colored corn flakes and the red hots in the middle. Grandma had that god-awful white tree that we grew to appreciate. And as I moved away from home, I always came to visit them on my visits to St. Louis. Spending hours listening to Grandma talk and Grandpa chime in from time to time. Grandpa would always say to me, "Julie, everytime I see you, you're more and more decorated." What is it with the older generation saying I'm "decorated?" I love it, though. Grandma gave me a pair of her red "spectators." It was a long drawn out conversation of her describing her favorite shoes to me until she finally said, "here, let me show you them. I'll dig them out of the closet and you can have them." They fit like a glove.

Much like this house.

I just hope all this remodeling doesn't make the glove fit any different. It fits just nice. But it could use some alterations.

Red Belt

I'm finding it funny that on our roadtrip, Gretchen and I listened to Tegan and Sara and found ourselves making fun of them. But I suppose it's in good fun. Perhaps we were making fun of how obsessed we were with them at one point. The time we drove up to Chicago to see them and how when we met them afterwards, Gretchen told Sara, "I want to get in your pants." The funny part was Tegan looked over and said, "What about mine?" Gretchen was on cloud nine.

I find myself listening to their new album and one song stands out. I can't stop playing it over and over. Is it because it's THAT good or cuz the rest of the album is that BAD? Someone help me with this. Have Tegan and Sara improved, stayed the same, or have they lost their touch?

Regardless, I'll forever listen to them and continue to support and buy their records. Can I go so far as to call them my "silverchair for my 20's"???? I'm nearing the end of my 20's. Who will be my 30's?

Good times shouldn't be so seldom

Just thought I'd share the amazingness that is my best friend, Gretchen.

Aunt Julie round 7 (times 2)

We had brunch today at Ma and Pa's. All but Andres, John and Mom were there.

Mike got everyone's attention to tell us... They're expecting!!!! TWINS!!!!!!

I screamed and jumped. A tear came to my eye.

They deserve this. More than words can even describe.

Vicki was glowing and she looked beautiful.

I'm so happy for them.

Freeze Frame

The way things are. Just keep things how they are. Don't say goodbye. Don't wash your hair. Never put on a different pair of shoes. Keep that smile across your face. Don't turn off that song. Tell me the same things over and over.

I really don't want that.

Seeing him today....

Was a lot harder than I thought. It's been 3 weeks exactly since Grandma left us and I finally felt ok with going to see Grandpa. I'm still going through the hurdle of living in this house. But that's a WHOLE other post. I felt today was a good time.

The room is empty. There's a few pictures on the wall but nothing like how Grandma had it. Grandpa was in his wheelchair at the doorway to the bathroom. I said hi and told him, "It's Julie, grandpa." He looked at me in the eye and said, "Hi Julie." I asked him how his arm felt cuz he broke it last week. He said "It hurt like a son of a gun." I could tell he needed help to use the bathroom so I got an aid. She came and helped him. He said something about missing his plane and he needed to get to the airport. The aid told him he wasn't going anywhere. I nudged him and said, "grandpa, can I go with you?" The aide said he's been really dehydrated and hasnt' been eating. That worried me. After the struggle to get him to use the bathroom, the nurse sat him in his chair and I sat next to him. He asked me for a piece of gum, "Check those drawers and see if there's any gum." Grandma used to keep a pack of gum in her top drawer. I told him I didn't have any gum but I brought him a bear claw. The aide gave him a piece of gum and he was so content.

We sat there together for the next few minutes. He chewed his gum. I looked around at the empty room. I realized that I was probably going to be the only visitor he would have that day. It was a bittersweet feeling. Bitter because he deserved more than that. Sweet because there was more possibility that he would remember me being there. Even if he doesn't. Even if he doesn't even know I'm there, I don't think it matters. He needs to have someone there from time to time. How long would he have been sitting there waiting for help to use the bathroom, had I not come? Grandma isn't there anymore to guide him along. There's noone else in the room. He is all alone. And that makes me unbelieveably sad.

He may be disconnected from us all but that doesn't mean we have to be disconnected from him. I am going to go see him once a week. Go along as if he's ok. Treat him like he is the way he was 20 years ago. He's the same man. He's that same goofy son of a gun with that witty and honest sense of humor. I won't ever look at him as any different. Just because he is, I don't have to see it.


It may have been hard to see him today but I can rest easier knowing that I did. Knowing that one extra person was there to give him some company. And I will do it again next week. Perhaps this week too.

I get choked up just thinking about it

I spent my Monday evening with Dad last night. He ate his cottage cheese and chicken while I snacked on trail mix. We sorted through Grandpa's mail. Somehow we got on the subject of my travels. He said, "I remember it so clearly when I left you in Chicago. God that was so hard. I get choked up just thinking about it." And as hard as it was to hear him say that, it meant the world. I never really talked to him about my Chicago experience. It was always brief. To hear him share some emotion about the time where I had probably TOO much emotion, priceless. 

But it really got me thinking, what else does Dad choke up about? And what do I get choked up about? I guess it's a trick question. Should we ask it as a past tense? "What did I get choked up about?" Or is it a general question. "What do I get choked up about on a regular basis? What makes me tear up any time?" 

So, as of right now. If someone were to ask me at this present moment what makes me emotional enough to shed a tear? I would simply reply:

Knowing that at any moment. At any given time, someone we love could be taken away from us. And there isn't a DAMN thing we can do about it.

That thought is something I just can't seem to wrap my head around in a positive way. Gets me every time. 

Get my mind off it all...

Finis​h the sente​nce!​​

Hi, my name is:
Julie​/​A

Never​ in my life have I been to:
Austr​alia

I hate it when:​​
I have to say goodb​ye

If your gonna​ talk smack​ about​ me:
go ahead​.​ i have zero drama​

The one perso​n who can drive​ me nuts:​​
no one

When I'm nervo​us:​​
I bite the heck out of my nails​

The last song I liste​ned to was:
Somet​ime Aroun​d Midni​ght by The Airbo​rne Toxic​ Event​

If you were to get marri​ed today​ ur maid of honor​/​​best man would​ be:
well,​ I just got marri​ed.​ Maid of honor​ was my siste​r and Andre​s'​ best man was his close​st frien​d,​ Jerem​y.​ I wish I could​ see both of them on a daily​ basis​.​

My hair is:
the longe​st it's ever been in my entir​e life.​.​.​.​

When I was 5:
I wined​ alot and had hair like straw​berry​ short​cake.​ I wore my red cowbo​y boots​ alot

Last Chris​tmas:​​
was the last one I spent​ with my belov​ed Grand​ma

I shoul​d be:
clean​ing the dishe​s.​

When I look down:​​
i see my hair resti​ng on my brale​ss cover​ed boobi​es,​ my iphon​e on the desk and my finge​rs typin​g away at the white​ keybo​ard


The happi​est recen​t event​ was:
that'​s a trick​ quest​ion.​ 

My curre​nt annoy​ance is:
not being​ able to stop cryin​g

I have a hard time under​stand​ing.​​.​​
what happe​ns when peopl​e die

There​'​​s this girl that I know:​​
that is about​ to get marri​ed to an aweso​me man and do it twice​.​ Once in Las Vegas​ and again​ in Jamai​ca.​ And i'm lucky​ enoug​h to be her Maid of Honor​ and witne​ss the entir​e thing​

The thing​ I want to buy is:
paint​,​ curta​ins,​ blind​s,​ furni​ture,​ etc for our home so I can feel like it's not someo​ne else'​s and it will quit haunt​ing me.

If you visit​ed the place​ I'm from:​​
you would​ find lots of comfo​rt and frien​dly faces​.​ be sure to stop by my paren​t'​s house​.​ it's beaut​iful and you won'​t want to leave​.​ My mom will most likel​y send you away with somet​hing.​ wheth​er it be food or cloth​es,​ or chris​tmas decor​ation​s.​ 

Most recen​t thing​ I've bough​t mysel​f:​​
a hairb​rush

Most recen​t thing​ someo​ne else bough​t me was:
the iphon​e

My middl​e name is:
Angel​a

Last night​ I was:
Eatin​g with my husba​nd and my broth​er.​ I love those​ times​.​ my boys.​

If I was an anima​l I'd be:
a giraf​fe.​ just like Sassy​

My hero is:

My dad and his mother

Tomor​row I am:
worki​ng.​ come get your hair did

Tonig​ht I am:
attem​pting​ to clean​.​

If only you knew....

How much I adore you.

How much I look up to you.

What it means to me to be a part of your family.

The impact you have made on my life.

How strong I think you are.

How thankful I am for you.

That you intimidate me in the best way possible.

That hearing your voice is like music to my ears.

How lucky I am to be your daughter.

How awesome it is to call you, "Dad."

I'm Delighted

I awoke Tuesday morning to me checking my phone. Did I just call Andres? Did my mom just call me? Sure enough, at 8:33 A.M. my mom called me. "Julie, it's Mom. I wanted to call and let you know that I'm here at the hospital with Grandma. We brought her in last night." The rest of the conversation was a blur. I called Andres. That too was a blur.

The past few weeks I've been having very vivid dreams about my grandparents. Some about their death, some about their health, some just about them in general. So, when my phone rang that Tuesday morning, I thought it was the ending of one of my dreams. I would give anything for that to be true.

I completely woke up and showered and had full intentions of going to the hospital before I had to be at work at noon. My mom called me just as I was about to put on my makeup. "Just calling to see how you're doing." I responded with a tearful, "I just want her to be ok." Her response was what made me rush to the hospital, "I know you do." Not a "She will." My sister then called me and asked me what she should do. Since my mother wasn't the best at communicating the sencerity of the situation. I told her that if I was her, to come now. I told her I'd call her when I got to the hospital.

I arrived at the hospital to be greeted by Mom and my cousin, Kelly. Apparently, the doctors wanted to do a cardio cathater. It was their hope that she would make it. Well, they weren't able to perform it because she had 99% clogged arteries. The doctor then gave her a 50/50. I called Christine and told her to come right away. So, at 9:15, she left and headed into town.

Mom then escorted us upstairs where we saw Sue in the waiting room. We walked into the I.C.U. and upon entering my grandmothers room, I was greeted with by my father with open arms. Before I could ask any questions, I fell into his arms and cried. This lasted for a good few minutes. I got a grip and saw her lying there. She had an oxygen mask on. All of my aunts and uncles were there along with my cousins, Kelly, Trish, Carley and Elyse. I left the room to call Andres. He was trying to get out of work.

I went back into the room around 10 o'clock and stayed. I carressed her left arm as she layed on her right side. Jane and Sue held her hands. Mom was in and out of the room. I guess she was in charge of the phonecalls. Sue said, "She said to me awhile back during the election, 'I don't want to be here when a democrat is elected into office. I'm gonna be in heaven.' " Well, Obama was to be sworn in exactly an hour from that moment. We tried talking to her. Sue and Jane messed around with trying to get her hearing aide in until they gave up. Jane fed her icecubes. She said she was nauceaus.

Then, it began. Around, maybe 10:30, Grandma said, "I can't hold on any longer. I can't hold on." Sue, grasping her mothers hand, said, "It's ok mom, you can let go. We'll take care of dad. There's a bunch of people here. You're a popular lady." She said again, "I can't hold on." Sue assured her it was ok. We stood there crying around her. Then grandma said, "I'm delighted." Sue asked her what she saw. "I'm delighted,"Grandma said again. Then some silent moments passed and Jane cried, "It's time. Her vidals are dropping." I gasped, took a deep breath and ran out to get my dad because he wasn't in the room at that moment.

I saw Trish and Kelly on my way to find dad. I told them it was time. My dad was walking towards me when I saw him. I grabbed his hand, "it's time, dad." We ran into the room together. Sue and Jane stood to her right, holding her hands. Dad and I stood to her left. She was laying on her right side. I carressed her arm and told her I loved her. Trish and Kelly stood next to me. I was clenching onto my dad and Kelly and Trish. And before I knew it, she took her last breath.

It was the most intense, beautiful, sad, bittersweet moment of my life. And I won't ever forget it.

I called Andres. He said was leaving soon. I told him tearfully, "She's gone." He cried, "I didn't get to say goodbye." Tom arrived as I was on the phone with Andres. I cried in his arms. We weren't able to get ahold of Mike and I was beginning to worry. Mom was in the waiting room on the phone with Christine when Grandma passed. Christine told mom, "Go in there and tell her to wait for me." Mom decided not to tell her till she got there. But when Christine called me a little while later, I handed the phone to dad. He told her and she was overwelmed with sadness. We told her we'd wait for her so she could see grandma. We went downstairs and waited for her.

By the time Christine got there, people were heading out. "I should've left right when mom called me," she cried. But we had no idea how severe it was. It happened so fast. We took Christine into the room. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to handle it so Tom and I stood outside the room. But Tom said, "I'd rather be in there than out here looking in." So we went in there. She was lying exactly how she was when she took her last breath. She was so still and peaceful.

None of what I just wrote felt real. I guess, now it does. She was 87 years old.

Seeing my dad was one of the hardest things. Him saying to all of us, "I didn't know how this would feel. It hurts."

As I sit here in her old home, it's as quiet as can be and I'm ok with it. I feel a sense of peace. She was lucky enough to go surrounded by loved ones. Except my grandfather. That's what is hurting me. My aunts keep talking about what to "do about him." I just want him to be ok. I want him to know that the woman that he shared 66+ years with died with nothing but love in her heart. I want him to know that, and remember it.

Tomorrow is her wake. I want to wake up from this bad dream.

My dad was talking about my grandfather and his dimensia. He said, "After 66 years with someone, there must be a great sense of loss. I can't imagine. And he barely can feel that. And I think I would want to feel it." What he said saddens him the most is that she died with a bit of disconnection from him.

Best of 2008

Records:

1. Does it Offend You, Yeah?-  You Have No Idea What You're Getting Yourself Into

2. Kate Nash- Made of Bricks

3. MGMT- Oracular Spectacular

4. Black Kids- Partie Traumatic

5. Bloc Party- Intimacy

6. City and Colour- Bring Me Your Love

7. The Faint- Fascination

8. Santogold- Santogold

Movies:

1. Be Kind Rewind

2. Batman, The Dark Knight

3. The Changeling

4. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

5. Slumdog Millionaire

Life Events:

1. Getting Married!!!!!

2. Finishing school for the second time

3. Starting a new and amazing job

4. Finally getting an iPhone

5. Seeing my family ALOT