Sunday, May 2, 2010

I, Julie, give You, Medicine the Control

It's Sunday. My only day "off". And I hate it. Andres is at work. Usually it's kinda nice because I can focus on what needs to be done, i.e. laundry, cleaning the kitchen, bathroom etc. But today, all is clean. First time in a while. My to do list consists of fun things. Things I WANT to do, not NEED to do. But my dizzy head is just holding me back way too far. And all I want is my hubby to be here to hold me when it hurts.

I want to set up my new sewing machine and just go to town on some projects. I want to finish Lana's wedding present (she got married LAST April!) I want to work on the Mothers day presents for the mothers in my family. But all I can have any energy to do is type till my fingers hurt.

This will hopefully end. The lack of energy. The painful days and nights. The dizzy head. The upset stomach.

I was recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia I've been dealing with some excruciating pains for about 6 months now. The last month it has gotten significantly worse. It hurt just to get out of bed. Once I finally got comfortable on the couch watching Law and Order SVU (which I watch on a daily basis), I had to ask Andres to fill my cup of water. It hurt just to shift to another position. I felt like my body was broken. I couldn't look in the mirror at my bare body because all I saw was a shattered skeleton. In my bead, I felt like if someone would push me into a wall, I would just shatter to a million pieces. So, I finally saw a doctor. I poured my hear out to him. Telling him what happened last April. Explaining the god-awful pain. And without hesitation he told me he thinks it's Fibromyalgia

So for the first time in over 10 years, I am on a prescription medicine. Needless to say, I'm freaking out. I wish I could say what prompted me to stay away from doctors and medicine for so long. Other than my obsessive control of my body. I hate being out of control of my body. I hate being sick. I hate being drunk. I hate being high. I just want to be natural. So when a tiny little pill in my system makes my head dizzier than it's ever been, I kinda freak out. But in the words of my mother in law, "Julie, you just have to let the medicine do it's job. You can not let this go. You have to be healthy if you want to have a baby." I cried when she said those words. She's absolutely right. I can't let my body just disintegrate, like it so feels like it's doing. I won't let it happen. I will give up control. I will let this medicine do what it's supposed to do. Gosh Darnint.

Here goes....

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